This blog post is going to be quite difficult to write... bear with me. I do not feel as though I have the words to articulate my feelings accurately but, I will give it a try.
My best friend is gay. My cousin is gay. Half the guys in my drama class are gay. My church leader is "post-gay." Ted Haggard claimed to have gay relations. At least 5 people from FUSE (a fellowship group at school I lead) have openly talked to me about their questioning sexuality. I, too, have questioned my sexuality. These people share this in common.
One more thing they also share: They love G-D. They never wanted to be gay. They would do anything to change it.
As you can see, homosexuality is a huge aspect of my life. I believe G-D has made me so pained and passionate about this subject for a reason which has yet to be defined. But, here I am... with so many questions... so much pain and hurt... utter confusion.
This is the only subject G-D and I fight about, constantly. My heart is not at peace and probably will not be until I understand. How does homosexuality begin? How do you move past the feeling? How could good people go to Hell? How could my best friend, who loves G-D with everything in him, be gay? How can Ted Haggard, the pastor of New Life, claim to have homosexual relations? How can you be gay & Christians? How could people say it is a choice? Why isn't the church talking about it!
I am positive there are homosexuals sitting in church services, going to Christian schools, or even in your home that are too afraid to talk about what they are feeling. It is an epidemic that needs to be talked about. It needs to be fixed. Too many people are hurting, including me...
Does anyone have any good book suggestions? I like fiction or non-fiction if it tells a good story. I picked up some at Barnes and Noble a few weeks ago, but they just aren't that great. Going into the bookstore...into the sea of books....it's so hard to choose! So, any recommendations would be greatly appreciated.
Have you ever had something you cherish so much, yet you have to a balance of waiting and searching to have it. That's the way love is. I'm not talking about Godly love that will always be there. I'm talking about the love that comes from another person (relational love).
This subject is so hard for me to write about because I can see and read it everywhere, and I want to have it. "Love makes the world go round." This famous or infamous saying, whichever way you take it, has influence our culture in so many ways. Whether it is the the television we watch, or the books we read, it seems as though everything has been enfused with love.
With all of this said, I keep wondering why I've never dated anyone, and why I want the love of another person so much.
At the moment, for some reason, I'm more than okay with singleness. I mean, I'm only a 20 year old in college. But we always wonder what could have been. I always think to myself that I could be single for the rest of my life and it would be okay. And I truthfully say that. I know in Song of Solomon (Songs)it says "We should not awaken love until it desires." And I honestly don't know about this. My question to everyone who reads this blog is, what do ya'll think? Should we search? Should we wait? Or should there be a balance?
I also hope that this blog relates to other people, as I know some of ya'll might be going through the same situation I am.
Jeremiah 17 :9 - The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked; Who can know it?
As a Christian single woman the biggest issue I face is the one dealing with my heart. If there is anything I don’t understand about myself it would be my heart, the most fragile and confusing part of my being. I ask myself why? Why is it that the very essence of what I experience and return love with also the same thing that causes me such pain and joy? Why does it seek to trick and make a fool of me?
He said he was in love with me, so my heart told me I loved him. He spoke of us marrying and my heart told me he was the “one.” It got me filled with hope and excitement of future possibilities. Foolishly I listen allowing it to blow up the whole situation in my mind, making it larger than it really was and like a foolish girl I fell for it.
How is it that our hearts have so much power? The heart is our source of spiritual life. It functions at the center of our mind, will and emotions guiding the inner workings of our intentions and motivations. It is the driving force behind our life decisions. It is the one thing that can either cause us to live or die spiritually depending on the choices we allow it to make. The heart exposes who we are. It is where true character is formed.
Proverbs 4: 23 - Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
Guarding my heart from sin is a difficult task, because it doesn’t want to be guarded. It is deceitfully wicked. It would rather ride the emotional roller coaster of love, experiencing the temporal pleasures of romance and fulfilling its physical desires. God created my heart to desire to love and to be loved and at times it wants that too much.
It gets to the point where my emotions and wants override what God desires for me and I put it before anything else, even Him. My thoughts turn to questions of, when, how and why not now? My focus is turned and my heart becomes selfish, forgetting what my heart really needs and that this to be loved by God. My patience wears thin, my heart looses it’s peace and I find myself standing alone wondering what happened. How can I guard my heart when so many other things vie for its attention?
Phillipians 4:6-7 - Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
The peace of God, it is our heart’s true guard. When we are not anxious and our hearts are focused on God, whom we put our complete trust and satisfaction in, then comes peace. It seems so simple. Why not trust in the One who loves us? The One who sacrificed His life, whose love is so so pure. A love that is unconditional and embraces us wholly and freely. I wonder, how could we want anything more? How could our hearts ignore and forget a love so perfect, so pure? I don’t understand the heart. I’m not sure I ever will.
Your search for love is over, when you find Jesus. That’s when love begins, that’s when you are free. Everything you could ever want or need, all in one Man, Jesus
Last week I saw Pastor Ed Young being interviewed on the Colbert Report. Young, head of a sprawling megachurch in Texas, has recently made national headlines with his "7 Days of Sex" Challenge, a campaign (with a probably deliberately provocative name) that urges married couples to have sex for a week straight in order to reinvigorate their marriages.
Stephen Colbert was intrigued. Young was a good sport throughout the cheeky conversation. But I noticed one thing that was missing throughout the pastor's enthusiastic discussion of his new mattress-rattling mission: me.
I'm not married. I'm single. And a virgin. So how would I feel, sitting in Young's congregation, with Young up front pontificating about the cornucopian, uncomparable benefits of marital sex, and with dozens of married couples sitting adjacent to me in the congregation, giggling and sharing coy glances with their spouses?
I look down at my unadorned left ring finger.
Interested to see what Young had to say to singles, I headed over to his website (http://www.edyoungblog.com/2008/11/dont-miss-the-7.html). A video on the front page shows Young's sermon, where he breathlessly pushes his new campaign to smug married.
"And singles?" he says. My ears perk up.
"I'm sorry."
The congregation titters. Young smiles, and I know he is joking. But yet, there's something hollow that rings true in his facetious apology. Ed Young is sorry that I'm single. I'm sorry that I'm single, because I can't experience this bliss that seems to be changing the lives of couples everywhere. Am I missing out? Am I living a less-full life than my friends, who can have guilt-free, earth-shattering sex whenever (well, theoretically whenever) they choose? What kind of message is this challenge sending to the thousands of people in Young's church, and in churches across America, who are shuttered from this challenge because we don't have mates?
I haven't seen any more of Pastor Young's sermons, and I'm sure if I put in the effort to investigate more, I would find that he does address singles and provides some sort of spiritual nourishment to us as well. But from the outset, I feel automatically, de facto, close-the-book excluded from this church's attempt at spiritual growth; as single women, we should not look to marital sex as an idol, something to jealously covet. There must surely be a way we can grow closer to Christ without 7 Days of Sex.
I'm sad to say that this is only my second blog post. I hope to flood the blogwaves in the next few weeks. I set out over a month ago to hone in on my journey through 24-7 prayer. But, the last month of school really got the better of me, leaving virtually no time for blogging fun [or for 24-7 prayer planning):]. School is over. Alleluia!
But . . .
. . . today has been racked with emotions. Our launch date for 24-7 prayer is in two short weeks and I am not even close to where I planned to be at this point. I'm really struggling. I want to give it all to God but I don't know exactly how to do that. How do I find the balance between letting God and still completing the proper leg-work?
I want to offer up some prayer requests, but first, let me back up. I suppose an explanation is in order. What is the 24-7 prayer movement, why are we participating and what is the meaning of life?
Okay, the last question may be a little too large in scope for this blog. Let's just stick to the basics.
A couple of years ago, right before I moved to Maryland [near DC] from Charlotte, NC, I came across a book called Red Moon Rising. It turned out to be one of those life changing books that smacks you in the face when you're least expecting it. Author Pete Greig, the founder of this whole crazy sexy cool prayer movement*, details his journey in an amazingly thoughtful and articulate way. I can't pretend that I'll do as good a job as he did, but I'll sum it up as unclumsily as possible.
We all know that the idea of prayer is ancient. You may or may not know that that the concept of praying 24 hours a day 7 days a week nonstop is very old, too. In fact, the most recent example [before this one] began in 1727 with a group of Moravian kids and lasted 125 years! And if you know anything about prayer then I don't have to explain the wonderful miraculous stuff that came out of that movement. It was pretty freaking awesome.
Well, as you may have guessed, God is doing it again. It started in Chichester, England right before the turn of the century. And it's still going strong. Right now, as I type, 72 groups in 16 different countries are immersed in prayer. Pretty cool, huh?
From the moment I heard about 24-7 prayer, I have longed to be a part of it. For the past three years, God has kept the idea lodged in the back of my mind, waiting for the perfect opportunity to push it forward.
And now, the Creator of the universe has done just that. Not only do I get to be a part of a week of 24-7 prayer, I get to help plan and lead it from start to finish. Wow. God is so so good.
But, as big a blessing as this is, I am overwhelmed with feelings of unworthiness and doubt. I fear I may have waited too long and screwed up the planning phase. I am afraid we'll never be able to pull it off now.
My husband, Jermaine, says I have a gift for pointing out the negative. That sucks.
I've been staring at the computer screen for the past couple minutes. I was about to present my prayer requests and I just realized that I didn't fully explain the logistics of how a week of 24-7 prayer works. I can't figure out exactly where to put it, so I've decided to shove it here. Let me know how that works for you.
It's pretty simple, really. It starts with a room. This room you take and you fill with good God things. You keep in mind that God was The Original Artist and so you let your imagination run wild. With prayer and thoughtfulness the room ends up chock full of these sort of things:
journals
all kinds of paper and art supplies
big comfy couches
a guitar or a keyboard
a huge map of the world
candles
coffee
Nooma videos
A Bible
books
post it notes to write the names of the lost
"stations" for confession, intercession, communion, etc . . .
toys for children that will evoke thoughtfulness and joy
anything else God puts on your heart
While you prepare the room, you simultaneously prepare the people who will fill it. They will be signing up for hour long sessions. So, for example, I'll take 2pm, you'll take 3pm, and so on. And then, we learn about prayer. We study Bible passages on the subject, we read books about prayer [a few of my favorites: God Is Here by Steve Case and The Divine Hours by Phyllis Tickle], and, of course, we pray. We learn that not all prayer puts us on our knees with our eyes closed while we talk toward the ceiling. Poems, music, reading, silence: all of these things can be done while praying, and this is not a complete list, but rather simply a good place to start.
While we learn, momentum starts to build, and so then you bust out the sign up sheet. People are so excited that they practically run to put their names on that piece of paper. And it only gets better once they show up for their appointment with God. A hour in the prayer room seems like ten minutes. People love it so much that they don't want to stop. And so a week becomes two and two weeks becomes a month. It's all so magical!
At least, it was in my head. This is the way I maticulously planned it all out. While I planned. I prayed that God would have his way through this entire process. I must say, his way is not how I would have done things.
But, you know how that goes. It never is, is it?
Here we are two weeks before launch. We haven't created a prayer room [though we do have a room and it does have big comfy couches]. Because of poor planning we had to launch sign up last week without a sign up sheet and needless to say, no one has signed up [well, that's not completely true - I did]. And though I've been studying prayer [and maybe others on an individual level] we haven't had a cohesive study as a congregation about prayer [we did have one small meeting, though, and it went fabulously].
Okay, reading this through, makes me realize that my husband might have been right [I hate it when that happens (:]. He said it probably wasn't as bad as I was making it. And besides, even if we don't fill a week with prayer, it will probably still be more than we have all prayed in a very long time [or perhaps ever]. So, in that sense, it can't "fail".
On that note, I offer up to you my prayer requests. Thank you in advance for your prayers. You can't begin to imagine how much we appreciate them.
Please pray:
For me, Jermaine and Dwayne as we lead this project
That God completely has his way and gets all the glory
For all of the participants, that they will experience true joy while praying
That we can fill a week with continuous prayer
That we won't get discouraged when it gets difficult
That this will be a uniting time for our multi-generational congregation
Anything else that God puts on your heart
Again, thank you.
One more thing: if you live in the DC metro area and feel compelled to sign up, then please do! Or, for that matter, if you live far away and want to join us, woo-hoo! We could probably even find you a free place to stay [and, I would lovelovelove to bake you cookies (:].
The week of prayer is set to launch at 2pm on Sunday January 4th and continue until the following Sunday [the 11th] at 2pm. If you want to sign up for anytime during that week, please email me at brandyglows@gmail.com.
And thank you for reading this blog.
*I am so happy that I got to use the words "sexy" and "prayer" in one sentence. Amen.
*This is a real note that I wrote to a real boy...
Dear Jim,
It’s interesting that women’s role in leadership has come up so much lately.I think that it is only a part of how we see a woman’s role in life. As I’ve come to understand who God is and what scripture says, I’ve come to appreciate that a woman can and sometimes should lead. It seems as though I’ve taken the initiative with everything in our relationship.
As foolish as I feel, there is one last thing that I want to say to you.I’ve been debating with myself.... I’m not sure if this will bring me peace or not.I want to follow in the spirit of Christopher McCandless in “Into the Wild” - I want to leave college without regret or anxiety. And so the last thing I want to say is that I love you… as a friend for sure, but also as more than that.I appreciated the last time we talked because I really felt like we settled everything, and I felt good about where we left it too…but there was still that.
Besides letting you know how I actually feel, I also want to encourage you.I think that you are great! You are a man of God who is trustworthy and encouraging.I love the “hhmm” sound that you make when you are thinking about something.Your upbeat personality is contagious and I love that!Thank you for seeking after God with your whole heart.Your height is also something that I really enjoy!The way that you talk with your hands makes me smile.Your blonde (not red, right?) hair is great.You have a way about you that is calm and humble. You call me out when I say something off. You seek the truth no matter what.You love to love.
So, those were the 2 big purposes of this email.There is one final part I want to add though.
Jim, I still see us as an extremely compatible couple.I know that you’ve been incredibly patient with me as I’ve tried to work through these feelings, which is very gracious of you…. But I’m also not afraid to tell you how I feel.
You are the companion that I have wanted for so long. You are the man that I long to share life's adventures with. You are the friend that I can share my innermost secrets with. I long to help you carry life's burdens and lovingly encourage you as you seek to be all that God has for you.I want to be who you turn to in hard times and in good times.I think that there was a time that we did that with each other, before we talked specifically about our relationship.I want those times back.I feel like I’ve been wasting time not spending it with you.
I know that we mentioned physical attraction the last time that we talked. One thing that I did want to say about that was that I hope you can give me a chance.I want to live a healthy and active life.I get really excited about hiking, camping, and other adventures.The problem is that I still fall to my sin.With patience and love though, I am more than a conqueror.
There is a fact that I know is true about both of us.God will use us both to change the world.The passion I feel for Christ will be real and unwavering.I know that wherever He takes me, I’ll be transforming lives.If you want someone that is all about Jesus, who is madly in love with the King, then that’s me.Our life will never be dull.Every day I’ll find another reason to love you, to take care of you, or to learn from you.I want to go everywhere and do everything.I don’t want to look back and ever have regrets.I know that my life is going to be full of adventure and you are the one that I want to share those adventures with.
So, if I didn’t state it clearly before, this is a letter of love, also known as a love letter.Maybe you’ll never receive another one in your life, or if you’re with me you’ll receive many more.At least you can say that someone did give you one. Sometime, somewhere, someone loved you enough to put it all out there, into a letter (or email)…..
So, that’s it. I used to worry about awkwardness between us, but that never happens.I trust your judgment and I trust what God can do.
"We have spoken frankly to you Corinthians; our heart is wide open to you. There is no restriction in our affections, but only in yours. In return-I speak as to children- open wide your hearts also."
I was speaking with some friends last night about how I'll be attending a wedding on May 2 and then another wedding on May 9 (which I'll be a bridesmaid for). I'm definitely entering the stage of life where nearly all of my friends are either engaged/married, or single. There doesn't seem to be a middle ground.
It's surreal to see the girls you grew up with flipping pages of wedding magazines and discussing colors and favors and whatnot—especially when they're the same girls you played MASH with (which helped you decide what color your wedding dress would be, and whether you'd be marrying JTT, Devon Sawa or whatever other boy was in Tiger Beat that month).
Personally, I seem to waver back and forth between "I don't want to get married for quite some time" to "Well ... it'd be nice to at least have a date to these things ..."
What about all of you? If you're experiencing it now, or have already been through it, what encouragement would you offer women who are going through it now?
I have thought about this topic a lot for a two reasons. The first, is that if you really think about it, barring any medical conditions, christians really shouldn't be fat. Being fat means that you are overeating, or under-exercising. In other words, indulging in sin.
The second reason that I think about this topic a lot is that I have been fat since I can remember. I've sucked my stomach in since I can remember. I've felt ugly since I can remember.
So why am I fat? Now that I'm a christian, I should recognize my own sinfulness and do something about it. It's been five years since I gave my life to Christ and I am about the same size as I was then. How is this possible?
The explanation I'll give and the only one there really is, is that it is really hard to change. I am passionately dedicated to Jesus Christ, but I never knew it would be so hard to choose Him over me. So hard to be the change that I so desperately want to see in this world.
I feel foolish. Sometimes I wonder if everything I do for Christ isn't taken seriously because I clearly don't have my life together- I'm fat.
I have never dieted. Since I was young I thought that diets only set you up to fail, and now more than ever I believe that. I want to slowly and painfully build a life of health and wellness by making right decisions while learning discipline.
Every single day I think about my fatness. Every day I have to get over years of self-hate, frustration, and sadness to try bring God's Kingdom to the people around me.
There is no easy road to righteousness. If in ten years, I've lost five pounds, then I will rejoice because that was five pounds of myself that I claimed for Jesus Christ.
Praise God for what He does with our mustard seeds!
Before I begin ranting on about my feelings towards the Miss America foundation... I must say, I love how they give scholarships to women and I believe in the fact that they are women standing up for issues they believe in. There are great sides to the foundation, don't get me wrong... but...
2 things:
- I can't get over how these women ( I know this due to friends in the pageant world ) dedicate their lives to something so far off from Christ. They believe that they must be "this skinny" "this smart" "this ___" in order to be worth it. By whose standards? Obviously not Gods. I hate that these women don't feel good enough, no matter what. It saddens me.
- I can't get over what this pageant brings out in people... Unfortunately, I went to a watch party... and all I heard were words not of Christ... so, these women bust their butts off to be good enough... and all we can do is sit there and say "Her nose is too big" "She said that word weird" "Her thighs are huge" The pageant gives us an excuse to bring down God's creation.
The most beautiful and educated representatives of our country... and THEY are still not good enough.
What does that mean for the rest of us?
... I really hope this post doesn't offend anyone.
Apparently in some circles this discussion (I consider it more of an arguement) is a bit passe, but I'm new to this marriage/possiblilty of eventual parenthood thing, so it's big news to me. In today's culture where women have choices in basically every situation, I thought this was a no brainer. Apparently I was wrong...
When we met, my husband and I were lukewarm christians at best. In the middle of college, living in a small liberal arts community, it wasn't exactly where my (our) faith bloomed. Just as many modern "love" stories go, first we hung out, eventually started dating kinda, we broke up a few times, soon our individual paths led us to similar places and now we're married.
Marriage isn't easy, but thus far it hasn't been as catastrophic as I expected. It's only been a few months, and since we already own a house, I know eventually "when are you planning on kids?" will slap me in the face at every family gathering, work party and other various social outings. A simple internet search gave me these good response ideas:
"When the time is right for us."
"If we ever have a kid, we are going to name it Houdini. If it gets past the pill and the condom it will have to be an escape artist."
"Well, it typically takes about 9 months after conception. As a person who has children, I would have figured you would know that."
"I detest all children."
All joking aside, the real answer burning inside of me is always, "I DONT KNOW!!!!" And it's not only meant that I don't know WHEN, but also that I don't know IF we are going to have children. As I have found the past few months, that isn't something think about as a christian, because ALL married christians are supposed to have children...it's mandated by God, right?
For whatever reason (more and more I'm starting to think it came straight from God) I had the urge yesterday to do some searching for varying opinions on the subject. I came across some interesting articles. Namely against the "childless by choice christian" here:
I don't totally buy into the notion that every married couple has to fully accept having children as an inherent blessing that comes with choosing to be married and sexually active. Even the Albert Mohler article, which vehemenently argues that marriage = children, agrees that couples have the freedom of choice as to when and how many when it comes to procreation. That being said, I find it hard to turn around and argue that you don't have the option to not pop out at least one to fulfill your "duty."
After reading the articles, praying, talking with my husband and meditating, I believe the gray area is far too thick to be saying "truth is truth." Maybe certain married couples who have strong relationships with eachother and with God just aren't called to have children. Maybe God is going to use those couples to reach the other BILLIONS of people in the world who don't yet know Him.
To be clear, I'm not talking about not having children for financial or lifestyle reasons, or even in instances of health or the possibility of genetic disease. I am merely looking at the possibility that maybe God wants some couples to not have children for a different reason. It may not be so in North America and parts of Europe, but other places are so overpopulated that maybe God wants some of us, at his will and not ours, to skip focusing on our 2.5 kids and instead work towards nuturing and caring for them through Him.
My husband and I don't know if we will have kids. I can't lie, the thought of being a mother scares the crap out me. But one thing we know for sure is that as christians we have to be open and willing to live with either scenario, with children or without children, to be able to truly know what God has in store for us.
there was a moment in july when in passing by the mirror in my apartment after undergoing a cesarean, developing an infection, and being grounded from the shower that i was finally brave enough (or perhaps accidental enough) to look into the mirror. what i saw stopped me in my tracks. because what i saw was not me. not the me that i have known for the previous 24 years.
this was a girl whose shoulders were shaped to carry her child. whose skin was the texture to sooth. whose voice was the tone and pitch of comfort. this was a girl who was a mother. this girl was a girl i had never seen before. i had no idea where she came from. but there was no mistaking that this girl was me.
since then, that girl has seen frustrations and guilt beyond what she'd ever imagined.
she is the mother of a gorgeous baby boy. he is a wonderful baby, but still a baby. there are nights, infrequent (thank god) as they are, that he cries and cries and cries and this girl is lost on what to do. there are times when a feeding and a burp and a diaper change and rocking and singing and lights and colors and toys and massages and less clothes and more clothes and lights off and lights on provide no consolation. when this girl has no idea what else to try, but can't bear the sound of her baby's cries. nights when it gets to be too much, but her instincts tell her to absolutely not let him cry it out because she knows she will never abandon her child when he is suffering, but in the same beat of her heart she feels utterly helpless. what might happen is that as she holds her baby and watches him scream, and scream, and scream... she almost instinctually shakes her arms in frustration, not thinking about the fact that she is still holding said son.
yes, she is that girl. the girl who shook her baby.
she is a girl who is not terribly fond of doctors or hospitals and the like. she probably wouldn't vaccinate were she not required to work so closely with the medical community. she is that girl who takes her son in for his shots and stands over the nurse as she draws her needle, who cringes in horror when they ever so not-gently stab her son in the leg and he breaks out in the most heartbreaking of screams, and as real tears run down his cheeks, she cannot keep them from also running down hers. she cannot not cry when her baby cries.
yes, she is that girl. the annoyingly empathetic hovering mother.
she is a girl who is not yet adjusted to the extreme life changes that come with an infant. she is that girl who goes to lunch with you and rambles on and on and on until your burrito is gone and she hasn't even started in on hers because it's been she-doesn't-know-how-long since she had anyone to talk to.
yes, she is that girl. the lonely talkaholic.
she is a girl who quit her job, enrolled in school, found out she was pregnant, unenrolled, got very very sick, humbled herself and went back to her parents' house for the sake of her health, got sick of her hometown, came to live where the father of her child lives, and had her child, only to realize that she really now lives where the un-father of her child lives because she was not in fact correct about who that might be. and who trekked from oklahoma city to philadelphia to nevada to nashville in the execution of the aforementioned.
yes, she is that girl. the i-don't-know-who-my-baby-daddy-is (wow-what-a-slut) (no-i-am-not-proud-of-this) girl. and she is all over the place.
perhaps most significantly, she is a girl who has seen more tears in the past two months than her first 24 years of life. because she is a girl with ssa/ssb antibodies. she is a girl whose body attacked her own child in the place that is supposed to be safest. (that would be the womb.) whose son developed heart block as a result of said complication in pregnancy. he will never play contact or professional sports, will eventually need a pacemaker, and will live with this condition for the rest of his life. because of her.
she is a girl who struggles with guilt, who fails, who falls short, but who never stops striving to be better. she is a girl who loves god. who has a minister's license. who is a former church secretary. who is a regular volunteer. who has a passion for outreach ministry. who got pregnant out of wedlock and, as a result, is that girl, with the kid. and so today i sit here, looking at pictures i took of myself in january of 2007 (i mean, what better things did i have to do when i was single apart from take pictures of myself?) and i am seeing this blond hair and clothes much more stylish than this plain black nursing tank i'm sitting in right now, and i don't recognize her. who is that girl? that girl who has time to cut and bleach and style and maintain short blond hair and a colorful wardrobe. that girl who lives for the arts and the scene. who has time and money for herself and goals and ambitions and dreams and actually knows what she wants out of life.
that girl is a girl who was full of doubt and self-dislike (i can't really say hatred, though that's how the phrase goes.) who never had the strength to say no even with such a strong will to fight. that girl is a girl i don't know anymore. because this girl is a girl who has finally found love, and that love has healed her. she might live in the hood of nashville in a crappy rundown studio apartment with $5 to her name and a part-time, poorly-paying job as a barista. she might have no idea what she is doing or where she is going or what tomorrow might bring. she might have a little extra around the waistline, a handful of stretch marks, a huge scar across her abdomen, cellulite, and that joyous underarm flap that likes to jiggle when she waves. she might be flawed and imperfect and have plenty to overcome and a lot of growing up to do. but this girl is a girl who, antibodies or no, is comfortable in her own skin for the first time in her life. this girl is a girl who loves herself not despite the fact that she is human, but because she is human. this girl is a girl who is whole.
Have you ever stopped to think of all the symbolism around us? Whether good or bad there are so many things that we understand just because of a picture. For example, if you see a huge, yellow “M” what do you think of? What about a “c” with a circle around it? Or a red octagon? A four-leaf clover? See what I mean, these are random, but you understand what they stand for, right?
So let's dig a little deeper. What about a burning cross? The Confederate flag? A Swatstika? A peace fish? A peace fish with legs and a tail? The Star of David? A peace sign? These all symbolize a time in history, no matter how people feel about it, it stirs emotion. Something inside us feels something when we see these things because we know the world was changed.
You're probably wondering where I'm going with this and here it is: What do you think will symbolize our generation? An ipod? Proposition 8? A pink ribbon? I'm interested to see what other women feel symbolizes this crazy time in our history or what they hope will. What are we going to leave our children as a picture of who we are and what we've done? What do we want future generations to remember about us?
writer, brett mccracken, and blogger, claire aufhammer, have stirred my thoughts lately in regards to social networking...
so i got to thinking... when i was 11, i wrote my first email to my best friend, christie searle. i was young + living on the island of guam. the first item i "googled" was "Boyz II Men". that was about the extent of my time on the internet. i played outside all day long. went to the beach, caught lizards, made up dance routines, played on sports teams, and rode my bike around.
then a few years later, when i lived in florida i was 13/14. my interest in the internet expanded. i learned how to download music and fonts. i even made a "geocities" website! the main websites i followed were fansites of Hanson....
but what i distinctly remember now, thinking about our social networking obsession lately, is seeing some girl online who showcased her everyday life happenings on a webcam for all to see. that was 1998. it was intriguing to me because it was so strange to be sooo personal. then, it was new and taboo.
we were mysterious people back then. no one had cell-phones and no digital cameras. we biked to friends' homes... we wrote snail mail. you remember. our lives were pretty private. not many of us were keen on email yet either. it would be nearly 10 years before myspace and facebook were invented after my first time on the internet. things have definitely changed.
i am not necessarily complaining because i really enjoy seeing photos + updates from friends. because i moved around alot + have met so many people across the globe, facebook is my friend! but it is very peculiar for me to remember how it USED to be.... and to realize many of us, myself included, are that one "taboo" girl now. with blogs, webcams, twitter, facebook, chat.. etc. taboo has become the norm. opening up our every little nuance of ourselves is commonplace. and i am not sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing. i am not sure it is fully either. it's a form of community, yes, and communication. i have developed friendships online. i met my husband online, for goodness sake!
but maybe, just maybe, we HAVE let some of our mystery go. while it's fun to peak into each others' lives, i still want to hold on to the value good, old-fashioned one-on-one time with people. getting to know you through experience, not just photos + updates.
i am not saying i want to delete my blog + facebook account... not even close, because i love to use these platforms to share articles, news, videos, movements, needs, etc.. from around the world, + i know relatives + far-away friends who keep up with me to see how noah + i are.... but i will try to keep in mind the balance of my ONLINE / OFFLINE time if that makes any sense... + remember to spend more afternoons over coffee with a friends instead of thrifting through facebook photos... we'll see how that goes.
Just when I thought the super drama surrounding the mom-who-had-more-kids-than-everyone-knows-she-should-have was fizzling away I saw yet another disturbing piece of media on the television this morning. Her and her mother sitting on a couch arguing. Wow. Why is that remotely newsworthy or of any value for that matter?
Before I go on, I think I should point out a few points regarding this whole scenerario that are blatantly obvious:
a doctor practiced outside of ethical boundaries
a woman made poor decisions regarding the health (defined in numerous ways) of herself and her children
the aforementioned woman's mother has acted as an enabler for far too long
the general public is taking the whole situation FAR to personally
Beyond all this (and I know not everyone agrees with the above points) I think we need to look at our society, and I mean really look at it, and decide if we should really be as surprised and horrified about this situation as we love to be.
This is not the first instance of a woman having children without a second glance as to how she will support them. We basically live in a welfare state and this one woman, no matter how big of a media magnet she may be, is not even close to being the root cause. I personally have a hard time believing that if the country wasn't in the financial state that it is in, this story would even have gotten as big as it has, going so far as to broadcast family banter and use the mother of multiples as a scapegoat for how careless we all have become with our assets.
I also find how quick we are to judge this woman's choices a little hypocritical. In a country where we pushed and shoved to get a woman complete and utter control over her body in any situation and circumstance to the point that federal dollars can help pay for whatever choice she decides to make, how can we then deny another woman these same rights, just because we realize how costly those choices can be? Afterall, it is her body and we do not legislate morality.
I was picking up some books for an upcoming Bible study and decided to browse (no harm in shopping in God's bookstore, right? It's similar to tithing.) As I was moving around the store, I noticed this sign wedged under a book.
My photography skills not withstanding, it was a warning. The full text read like this: "This book may contain thoughts, ideas, or content that could be considered inconsistent with historical evangelical theology. Therefore we encourage you read it with extra discernement."
As the assistant manager wandered over (I'm sure I had been sighted on the security camera snapping photos of copyrighted materials) I asked him what he thought. He stated he didn't quite understand it, but he does what he's told. I asked him what other books were included and he said "Normally The Shack would have the sign, but it's on sale on the front, so we pulled its sign."
I felt something rise up in me. I then began a calm, but higher pitched soapbox dance with Mike, the manager. I argued the sign should be on the front door, since everything in the store should be read with discernment, including the B-I-B-L-E. I claimed with passion that there should be a yellow hazard tape around the 5 shelves of Christian romantic fiction convincing God-fearing women that men like Michael Hosea from Francine Rivers' Redeeming Love exists. And don't get me started on Southern Gospel music.
However, Lifeway has the right to sell or not sell anything they want. And I appreciate that they aren't necessarily choosing censorship, but let's apply scripture to all we read, watch, and listen.
Philippians 1:9-10 "And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ,..."
There was my summer roommate in intern housing in Manhattan who would go out every weekend night (ok, some weekday nights too), get rip-roaring drunk and stagger home at an ungodly hour. The better weekends, I would wake up on Saturday morning to find her sprawled out on the floor of our room, soon to wake up to a throbbing hangover. On one of the worst weekends, I woke up around 3 am to discover she had brought home a reggae singer from some nightclub and was (noisily) getting down to business with him mere feet away from my bed.
In college, I shared an apartment with 5 other girls, 2 of whom were atheists, the rest of whom (including me) were on leadership with our evangelical campus ministry. Our apartment life quickly devolved into a who's-more-pious contest. In that sneaky, silent way at which girls excel, we would wake up early to be seen studying the Bible at the kitchen table, see who could host the most small groups in our respective rooms, and proudly chastise the others for watching TV shows that were too risque.
Post-college, my roommate issues have stubbornly stemmed from the same problem: the roommate whose boyfriend all but moves in, sometimes even spending the night a lot, sometimes just hanging around 24/7, but always making me feel like I have a third roommate who is sucking up all the resources and cleanliness without paying a nickel towards the rent.
Of course, this is 100% my fault. I am always too hesitant to broach the issue with my roommate, worrying that she will first get mad at me, then tell her boyfriend that he has to curtail his visits, with the result that they will both be mad at me. Our friendship will be forever tainted.
But that should be fine. I AM paying half of the rent, after all. I deserve to feel comfortable in my own apartment and not worry about running to the bathroom in my bra in the morning because I might run into HIM. Especially when both roommates are Christians; we should be able to bring up these kinds of moral issues in a nonjudgmental but firm manner.
So why am I still here in this situation, with my current roommate's fiance slowly taking over our place with his enormous shoes and toilet-seat-leaving-up ways? Does anybody else have to deal with this??
As the Christmas season washes upon us, waves of shiny green and red, gingerbread and warm fires, submerge us. Stores sell silk dresses, so pretty I have found myself tempted to plan a fancy party just so I can wear one! If we turn down the 32nd version of Baby It’s Cold Outside, we will hear a quieter chorus. This voice calls us back to the birth of a baby in a barn and a faithful teenage girl. Clearly, this Christmas season we have entered seems to split us into two groups: those who delight in the commercialism and social norms of the season (such as gift-buying, party-hosting, and card-sending) and others who feel that such activities detract from the meaning of the season, and ultimately, the heart of God.
Though some of the fanfare of the season is noisy and loud (and even profane), we who respond to its siren cry are drawn to it for a reason, signaling something more profound than the mere success of evil genius advertisers. Engaging the man-made season may seem shallow and misguided. It may distract us and leave us exhausted, but I believe we are seeking something deeper and more meaningful in the process.
As I hear the fringe pleading, a little bit louder this year, that we all just stop with the list-making and the party-going and the card-sending and focus on knowing God and loving our neighbor, I am beginning to wonder if by engaging these "distractions", we are trying to do just that.
I can see now that what people are really seeking during this season as they rush around buying gifts, attending parties, and spending the obligatory morning at the local soup kitchen is expressing love to others, participating in community, and serving the poor. Throughout the year, it can be difficult to find the context in which to pursue these things. Our schedules limit us, our wounds entangle us, and our selfishness isolates us.
Our culture is limiting as well. We who were born after the time of community barn raisings have become so self-sufficient that we no longer know how to love our neighbors; mostly because we have never met them. Dropping by a plate of cookies to unknown neighbors in the middle of July would make us feel weird. But anytime after Thanksgiving and before January first, we have the armor of “good tidings and cheer” to buffer all discomfort. But these are the things that God so desperately longs to see us do year round. And we long to do them year round, because regardless of where we think they come from, we have a set of internal desires (though sometimes quite faint) that God infused in us upon our creation.
People gladly pursue their God-given desires when they see the opportunity. For example, in March of 2003, my home of Denver, CO experienced a snow that kept the city stranded inside for three days. The day after the snow stopped, I noticed something different at my neighborhood library. It was noisy. People were smiling. And TALKING to one another – to strangers! People swapped stories about how much snow we got and what they did while trapped inside. It was something that, though unusual, seemed to come so easy and natural. By God’s design, we long to connect with each other. Sometimes, we just need a reason.
It is with this perspective, that I believe our culture has created noisy celebration around Christmas – that we might have a reason to connect with our community - and to pursue a Savior we long to know, but whom we don’t know how to engage. It is my hope that in the year to come, we will explore ways to engage the heart of Christmas on a daily basis. Perhaps next December we find that we have a slower, quieter approach to the month, because we sought the heart of Christmas all year. WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR?
Parties: We are desperate to connect with others. The way we wait for those invites to roll in, need the season to throw a party, and do our best to attend them all, begs the question, do we really know how to engage community on our own? Let’s practice daily building the kinds of relationships we long for.
Gift Giving: Our loved ones want to know that we care about them, and most of us want to express our care. But what are we doing to show we care year round? And if we don’t actually care, our energy would be better spent mending the relationships and creating an actual depth of love, rather than the illusion of love through the gifting of an electric razor or tea cozy.
General Merriment: We go crazy over lights and music and festive clothes. We want a sense of celebration and possibility that is infused into the rest of the year by having spontaneous family dance parties after dinner, using the good china on a Tuesday, and creating a sense of magic for a stranger by surprising them with acts of unbelievable kindness and grace.
Creating a Mood: The desire to decorate our homes for the holidays and make intricate cards is a reflection of our inclination to create. As He created us, so too do we have an inherent drive to create. What can we give up in this New Year to make time in our lives to create on a regular basis?
Christmas Music: The language in these traditional holiday tunes highlights some of our longings for the things of God. Can you imagine how our day-to-day experience would change if we meditated on words like “joy”, “cheer”, and “comfort” year round?
Christmas pandemonium does not have to be the devil’s playground if we can learn to appreciate it for what it really is – a reflection that our deepest needs and longings are unquenched. This season can serve us like pain we experience when we accidentally touch a hot burner on the stove – it does not feel good, but without the pain, we would not know to move our hand away from the hot coil to safety. In this way, let us recognize that the extreme engagement we observe in this season is simply the heart’s cry to live out Christmas year round.
I think in our relationship with God, we sometimes approach him like a lap dancer.
We dress the part, revealing only what we think He wants to see, and we get so close that it looks like intimacy, but it's not. It's a business transaction. We perform the dance and hope it gets us a few bills along with the feeling that we played our part well. We know that there are rules to this dance, and they're pretty simple. The first rule is this- the dancer is in control, we decide what to wear, what to reveal, how close to get, and what we want out of the deal. We also know that if we're ever touched during this performance, we can bring the whole thing to a screeching halt, and retreat to the safety of our own free will. Here's the thing, God doesn't want your lap dance. He doesn't want to throw you a few bills, while you keep an artificially close but emotionally safe distance. He wants to love us, and touch us in way that can't be done while we're still in control.
The bible gives us many descriptions of our relationship with God. We are called his creations, his children, his brethren, his sheep, but I think in terms of real intimacy we should look at he fact that he calls us His bride. As his bride he has so much more for us than some crumpled up twenties, His entire kingdom is available to us, just for the asking. We need to stop dancing in the darkness. We need to come to him in the light of day, and we must be willing to surrender our pride and stand emotionally naked before him.
Naked can be scary, it comes with scars, imperfections, too much flesh, or not enough.
Naked can be ugly, but the beauty comes in the act of trusting God to love us through our dirt, our shame, our pride, and our sin.
In that bare and fearless trust we will find true intimacy with our God, an intimacy described in the Song of Solomon. The love described in this book of the bible is one of total abandon, a love that will make you blush. It describes in detail the feelings of desire between two lovers, their desire to know each other in such a way that they become as one. It is a love that, like a blazing fire, can't be controlled. It's both powerful and destructively beautiful. This is the relationship that our God longs to have with us: a blazing fire that can't be quenched or washed away. In truth, this is the relationship that we long to have with Him. As His bride, we are entitled to nothing less.
Song of Solomon 8: 6
Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned.
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Gay & Christian Gay & Christian
This blog post is going to be quite difficult to write... bear with me. I do not feel as though I have the words to articulate my feelings accurately but, I will give it a try.
My best friend is gay. My cousin is gay. Half the guys in my drama class are gay. My church leader is "post-gay." Ted Haggard claimed to have gay relations. At least 5 people from FUSE (a fellowship group at school I lead) have openly talked to me about their questioning sexuality. I, too, have questioned my sexuality. These people share this in common.
One more thing they also share: They love G-D. They never wanted to be gay. They would do anything to change it.
As you can see, homosexuality is a huge aspect of my life. I believe G-D has made me so pained and passionate about this subject for a reason which has yet to be defined. But, here I am... with so many questions... so much pain and hurt... utter confusion.
This is the only subject G-D and I fight about, constantly. My heart is not at peace and probably will not be until I understand. How does homosexuality begin? How do you move past the feeling? How could good people go to Hell? How could my best friend, who loves G-D with everything in him, be gay? How can Ted Haggard, the pastor of New Life, claim to have homosexual relations? How can you be gay & Christians? How could people say it is a choice? Why isn't the church talking about it!
I am positive there are homosexuals sitting in church services, going to Christian schools, or even in your home that are too afraid to talk about what they are feeling. It is an epidemic that needs to be talked about. It needs to be fixed. Too many people are hurting, including me...
Please, give me answers.
Any Good Books? Any Good Books?
Does anyone have any good book suggestions? I like fiction or non-fiction if it tells a good story. I picked up some at Barnes and Noble a few weeks ago, but they just aren't that great. Going into the bookstore...into the sea of books....it's so hard to choose! So, any recommendations would be greatly appreciated.
Lover's Doubt Lover's Doubt
Have you ever had something you cherish so much, yet you have to a balance of waiting and searching to have it. That's the way love is. I'm not talking about Godly love that will always be there. I'm talking about the love that comes from another person (relational love).
This subject is so hard for me to write about because I can see and read it everywhere, and I want to have it. "Love makes the world go round." This famous or infamous saying, whichever way you take it, has influence our culture in so many ways. Whether it is the the television we watch, or the books we read, it seems as though everything has been enfused with love.
With all of this said, I keep wondering why I've never dated anyone, and why I want the love of another person so much.
At the moment, for some reason, I'm more than okay with singleness. I mean, I'm only a 20 year old in college. But we always wonder what could have been. I always think to myself that I could be single for the rest of my life and it would be okay. And I truthfully say that. I know in Song of Solomon (Songs)it says "We should not awaken love until it desires." And I honestly don't know about this. My question to everyone who reads this blog is, what do ya'll think? Should we search? Should we wait? Or should there be a balance?
I also hope that this blog relates to other people, as I know some of ya'll might be going through the same situation I am.
Deceitfully Wicked Deceitfully Wicked
Jeremiah 17 :9 - The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked;
Who can know it?
As a Christian single woman the biggest issue I face is the one dealing with my heart. If there is anything I don’t understand about myself it would be my heart, the most fragile and confusing part of my being. I ask myself why? Why is it that the very essence of what I experience and return love with also the same thing that causes me such pain and joy? Why does it seek to trick and make a fool of me?
He said he was in love with me, so my heart told me I loved him. He spoke of us marrying and my heart told me he was the “one.” It got me filled with hope and excitement of future possibilities. Foolishly I listen allowing it to blow up the whole situation in my mind, making it larger than it really was and like a foolish girl I fell for it.
How is it that our hearts have so much power? The heart is our source of spiritual life. It functions at the center of our mind, will and emotions guiding the inner workings of our intentions and motivations. It is the driving force behind our life decisions. It is the one thing that can either cause us to live or die spiritually depending on the choices we allow it to make. The heart exposes who we are. It is where true character is formed.
Proverbs 4: 23 - Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
Guarding my heart from sin is a difficult task, because it doesn’t want to be guarded. It is deceitfully wicked. It would rather ride the emotional roller coaster of love, experiencing the temporal pleasures of romance and fulfilling its physical desires. God created my heart to desire to love and to be loved and at times it wants that too much.
It gets to the point where my emotions and wants override what God desires for me and I put it before anything else, even Him. My thoughts turn to questions of, when, how and why not now? My focus is turned and my heart becomes selfish, forgetting what my heart really needs and that this to be loved by God. My patience wears thin, my heart looses it’s peace and I find myself standing alone wondering what happened. How can I guard my heart when so many other things vie for its attention?
Phillipians 4:6-7 - Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,
will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
The peace of God, it is our heart’s true guard. When we are not anxious and our hearts are focused on God, whom we put our complete trust and satisfaction in, then comes peace. It seems so simple. Why not trust in the One who loves us? The One who sacrificed His life, whose love is so so pure. A love that is unconditional and embraces us wholly and freely. I wonder, how could we want anything more? How could our hearts ignore and forget a love so perfect, so pure? I don’t understand the heart. I’m not sure I ever will.
Your search for love is over,
when you find Jesus.
That’s when love begins,
that’s when you are free.
Everything you could ever want
or need,
all in one Man,
Jesus
"7 Days of Sex Challenge" - fo "7 Days of Sex Challenge" - for singles?
Last week I saw Pastor Ed Young being interviewed on the Colbert Report. Young, head of a sprawling megachurch in Texas, has recently made national headlines with his "7 Days of Sex" Challenge, a campaign (with a probably deliberately provocative name) that urges married couples to have sex for a week straight in order to reinvigorate their marriages.
Stephen Colbert was intrigued. Young was a good sport throughout the cheeky conversation. But I noticed one thing that was missing throughout the pastor's enthusiastic discussion of his new mattress-rattling mission: me.
I'm not married. I'm single. And a virgin. So how would I feel, sitting in Young's congregation, with Young up front pontificating about the cornucopian, uncomparable benefits of marital sex, and with dozens of married couples sitting adjacent to me in the congregation, giggling and sharing coy glances with their spouses?
I look down at my unadorned left ring finger.
Interested to see what Young had to say to singles, I headed over to his website (http://www.edyoungblog.com/2008/11/dont-miss-the-7.html). A video on the front page shows Young's sermon, where he breathlessly pushes his new campaign to smug married.
"And singles?" he says. My ears perk up.
"I'm sorry."
The congregation titters. Young smiles, and I know he is joking. But yet, there's something hollow that rings true in his facetious apology. Ed Young is sorry that I'm single. I'm sorry that I'm single, because I can't experience this bliss that seems to be changing the lives of couples everywhere. Am I missing out? Am I living a less-full life than my friends, who can have guilt-free, earth-shattering sex whenever (well, theoretically whenever) they choose? What kind of message is this challenge sending to the thousands of people in Young's church, and in churches across America, who are shuttered from this challenge because we don't have mates?
I haven't seen any more of Pastor Young's sermons, and I'm sure if I put in the effort to investigate more, I would find that he does address singles and provides some sort of spiritual nourishment to us as well. But from the outset, I feel automatically, de facto, close-the-book excluded from this church's attempt at spiritual growth; as single women, we should not look to marital sex as an idol, something to jealously covet. There must surely be a way we can grow closer to Christ without 7 Days of Sex.
Prayer Request Prayer Request
I'm sad to say that this is only my second blog post. I hope to flood the blogwaves in the next few weeks. I set out over a month ago to hone in on my journey through 24-7 prayer. But, the last month of school really got the better of me, leaving virtually no time for blogging fun [or for 24-7 prayer planning):]. School is over. Alleluia!
But . . .
. . . today has been racked with emotions. Our launch date for 24-7 prayer is in two short weeks and I am not even close to where I planned to be at this point. I'm really struggling. I want to give it all to God but I don't know exactly how to do that. How do I find the balance between letting God and still completing the proper leg-work?
I want to offer up some prayer requests, but first, let me back up. I suppose an explanation is in order. What is the 24-7 prayer movement, why are we participating and what is the meaning of life?
Okay, the last question may be a little too large in scope for this blog. Let's just stick to the basics.
A couple of years ago, right before I moved to Maryland [near DC] from Charlotte, NC, I came across a book called Red Moon Rising. It turned out to be one of those life changing books that smacks you in the face when you're least expecting it. Author Pete Greig, the founder of this whole crazy sexy cool prayer movement*, details his journey in an amazingly thoughtful and articulate way. I can't pretend that I'll do as good a job as he did, but I'll sum it up as unclumsily as possible.
We all know that the idea of prayer is ancient. You may or may not know that that the concept of praying 24 hours a day 7 days a week nonstop is very old, too. In fact, the most recent example [before this one] began in 1727 with a group of Moravian kids and lasted 125 years! And if you know anything about prayer then I don't have to explain the wonderful miraculous stuff that came out of that movement. It was pretty freaking awesome.
Well, as you may have guessed, God is doing it again. It started in Chichester, England right before the turn of the century. And it's still going strong. Right now, as I type, 72 groups in 16 different countries are immersed in prayer. Pretty cool, huh?
From the moment I heard about 24-7 prayer, I have longed to be a part of it. For the past three years, God has kept the idea lodged in the back of my mind, waiting for the perfect opportunity to push it forward.
And now, the Creator of the universe has done just that. Not only do I get to be a part of a week of 24-7 prayer, I get to help plan and lead it from start to finish. Wow. God is so so good.
But, as big a blessing as this is, I am overwhelmed with feelings of unworthiness and doubt. I fear I may have waited too long and screwed up the planning phase. I am afraid we'll never be able to pull it off now.
My husband, Jermaine, says I have a gift for pointing out the negative. That sucks.
I've been staring at the computer screen for the past couple minutes. I was about to present my prayer requests and I just realized that I didn't fully explain the logistics of how a week of 24-7 prayer works. I can't figure out exactly where to put it, so I've decided to shove it here. Let me know how that works for you.
It's pretty simple, really. It starts with a room. This room you take and you fill with good God things. You keep in mind that God was The Original Artist and so you let your imagination run wild. With prayer and thoughtfulness the room ends up chock full of these sort of things:
While you prepare the room, you simultaneously prepare the people who will fill it. They will be signing up for hour long sessions. So, for example, I'll take 2pm, you'll take 3pm, and so on. And then, we learn about prayer. We study Bible passages on the subject, we read books about prayer [a few of my favorites: God Is Here by Steve Case and The Divine Hours by Phyllis Tickle], and, of course, we pray. We learn that not all prayer puts us on our knees with our eyes closed while we talk toward the ceiling. Poems, music, reading, silence: all of these things can be done while praying, and this is not a complete list, but rather simply a good place to start.
While we learn, momentum starts to build, and so then you bust out the sign up sheet. People are so excited that they practically run to put their names on that piece of paper. And it only gets better once they show up for their appointment with God. A hour in the prayer room seems like ten minutes. People love it so much that they don't want to stop. And so a week becomes two and two weeks becomes a month. It's all so magical!
At least, it was in my head. This is the way I maticulously planned it all out. While I planned. I prayed that God would have his way through this entire process. I must say, his way is not how I would have done things.
But, you know how that goes. It never is, is it?
Here we are two weeks before launch. We haven't created a prayer room [though we do have a room and it does have big comfy couches]. Because of poor planning we had to launch sign up last week without a sign up sheet and needless to say, no one has signed up [well, that's not completely true - I did]. And though I've been studying prayer [and maybe others on an individual level] we haven't had a cohesive study as a congregation about prayer [we did have one small meeting, though, and it went fabulously].
Okay, reading this through, makes me realize that my husband might have been right [I hate it when that happens (:]. He said it probably wasn't as bad as I was making it. And besides, even if we don't fill a week with prayer, it will probably still be more than we have all prayed in a very long time [or perhaps ever]. So, in that sense, it can't "fail".
On that note, I offer up to you my prayer requests. Thank you in advance for your prayers. You can't begin to imagine how much we appreciate them.
Please pray:
Again, thank you.
One more thing: if you live in the DC metro area and feel compelled to sign up, then please do! Or, for that matter, if you live far away and want to join us, woo-hoo! We could probably even find you a free place to stay [and, I would lovelovelove to bake you cookies (:].
The week of prayer is set to launch at 2pm on Sunday January 4th and continue until the following Sunday [the 11th] at 2pm. If you want to sign up for anytime during that week, please email me at brandyglows@gmail.com.
And thank you for reading this blog.
*I am so happy that I got to use the words "sexy" and "prayer" in one sentence. Amen.
angel angel
How do I find a healthy balance between angel and animal?
Dear Jim Dear Jim
*This is a real note that I wrote to a real boy...
Dear Jim,
It’s interesting that women’s role in leadership has come up so much lately. I think that it is only a part of how we see a woman’s role in life. As I’ve come to understand who God is and what scripture says, I’ve come to appreciate that a woman can and sometimes should lead. It seems as though I’ve taken the initiative with everything in our relationship.
As foolish as I feel, there is one last thing that I want to say to you. I’ve been debating with myself.... I’m not sure if this will bring me peace or not. I want to follow in the spirit of Christopher McCandless in “Into the Wild” - I want to leave college without regret or anxiety. And so the last thing I want to say is that I love you… as a friend for sure, but also as more than that. I appreciated the last time we talked because I really felt like we settled everything, and I felt good about where we left it too…but there was still that.
Besides letting you know how I actually feel, I also want to encourage you. I think that you are great! You are a man of God who is trustworthy and encouraging. I love the “hhmm” sound that you make when you are thinking about something. Your upbeat personality is contagious and I love that! Thank you for seeking after God with your whole heart. Your height is also something that I really enjoy! The way that you talk with your hands makes me smile. Your blonde (not red, right?) hair is great. You have a way about you that is calm and humble. You call me out when I say something off. You seek the truth no matter what. You love to love.
So, those were the 2 big purposes of this email. There is one final part I want to add though.
Jim, I still see us as an extremely compatible couple. I know that you’ve been incredibly patient with me as I’ve tried to work through these feelings, which is very gracious of you…. But I’m also not afraid to tell you how I feel.
You are the companion that I have wanted for so long. You are the man that I long to share life's adventures with. You are the friend that I can share my innermost secrets with. I long to help you carry life's burdens and lovingly encourage you as you seek to be all that God has for you. I want to be who you turn to in hard times and in good times. I think that there was a time that we did that with each other, before we talked specifically about our relationship. I want those times back. I feel like I’ve been wasting time not spending it with you.
I know that we mentioned physical attraction the last time that we talked. One thing that I did want to say about that was that I hope you can give me a chance. I want to live a healthy and active life. I get really excited about hiking, camping, and other adventures. The problem is that I still fall to my sin. With patience and love though, I am more than a conqueror.
There is a fact that I know is true about both of us. God will use us both to change the world. The passion I feel for Christ will be real and unwavering. I know that wherever He takes me, I’ll be transforming lives. If you want someone that is all about Jesus, who is madly in love with the King, then that’s me. Our life will never be dull. Every day I’ll find another reason to love you, to take care of you, or to learn from you. I want to go everywhere and do everything. I don’t want to look back and ever have regrets. I know that my life is going to be full of adventure and you are the one that I want to share those adventures with.
So, if I didn’t state it clearly before, this is a letter of love, also known as a love letter. Maybe you’ll never receive another one in your life, or if you’re with me you’ll receive many more. At least you can say that someone did give you one. Sometime, somewhere, someone loved you enough to put it all out there, into a letter (or email)…..
So, that’s it. I used to worry about awkwardness between us, but that never happens. I trust your judgment and I trust what God can do.
"We have spoken frankly to you Corinthians; our heart is wide open to you. There is no restriction in our affections, but only in yours. In return-I speak as to children- open wide your hearts also."
2 Corinthians 6:11-12
Affectionately,
Donna
That Certain Stage of Life ... That Certain Stage of Life ...
I was speaking with some friends last night about how I'll be attending a wedding on May 2 and then another wedding on May 9 (which I'll be a bridesmaid for). I'm definitely entering the stage of life where nearly all of my friends are either engaged/married, or single. There doesn't seem to be a middle ground.
It's surreal to see the girls you grew up with flipping pages of wedding magazines and discussing colors and favors and whatnot—especially when they're the same girls you played MASH with (which helped you decide what color your wedding dress would be, and whether you'd be marrying JTT, Devon Sawa or whatever other boy was in Tiger Beat that month).
Personally, I seem to waver back and forth between "I don't want to get married for quite some time" to "Well ... it'd be nice to at least have a date to these things ..."
What about all of you? If you're experiencing it now, or have already been through it, what encouragement would you offer women who are going through it now?
Why are there fat christians? Why are there fat christians?
I have thought about this topic a lot for a two reasons. The first, is that if you really think about it, barring any medical conditions, christians really shouldn't be fat. Being fat means that you are overeating, or under-exercising. In other words, indulging in sin.
The second reason that I think about this topic a lot is that I have been fat since I can remember. I've sucked my stomach in since I can remember. I've felt ugly since I can remember.
So why am I fat? Now that I'm a christian, I should recognize my own sinfulness and do something about it. It's been five years since I gave my life to Christ and I am about the same size as I was then. How is this possible?
The explanation I'll give and the only one there really is, is that it is really hard to change. I am passionately dedicated to Jesus Christ, but I never knew it would be so hard to choose Him over me. So hard to be the change that I so desperately want to see in this world.
I feel foolish. Sometimes I wonder if everything I do for Christ isn't taken seriously because I clearly don't have my life together- I'm fat.
I have never dieted. Since I was young I thought that diets only set you up to fail, and now more than ever I believe that. I want to slowly and painfully build a life of health and wellness by making right decisions while learning discipline.
Every single day I think about my fatness. Every day I have to get over years of self-hate, frustration, and sadness to try bring God's Kingdom to the people around me.
There is no easy road to righteousness. If in ten years, I've lost five pounds, then I will rejoice because that was five pounds of myself that I claimed for Jesus Christ.
Praise God for what He does with our mustard seeds!
Miss America Miss America
Before I begin ranting on about my feelings towards the Miss America foundation... I must say, I love how they give scholarships to women and I believe in the fact that they are women standing up for issues they believe in. There are great sides to the foundation, don't get me wrong... but...
2 things:
- I can't get over how these women ( I know this due to friends in the pageant world ) dedicate their lives to something so far off from Christ. They believe that they must be "this skinny" "this smart" "this ___" in order to be worth it. By whose standards? Obviously not Gods. I hate that these women don't feel good enough, no matter what. It saddens me.
- I can't get over what this pageant brings out in people... Unfortunately, I went to a watch party... and all I heard were words not of Christ... so, these women bust their butts off to be good enough... and all we can do is sit there and say "Her nose is too big" "She said that word weird" "Her thighs are huge" The pageant gives us an excuse to bring down God's creation.
The most beautiful and educated representatives of our country... and THEY are still not good enough.
What does that mean for the rest of us?
... I really hope this post doesn't offend anyone.
a christian with NO children? a christian with NO children?
Apparently in some circles this discussion (I consider it more of an arguement) is a bit passe, but I'm new to this marriage/possiblilty of eventual parenthood thing, so it's big news to me. In today's culture where women have choices in basically every situation, I thought this was a no brainer. Apparently I was wrong...
When we met, my husband and I were lukewarm christians at best. In the middle of college, living in a small liberal arts community, it wasn't exactly where my (our) faith bloomed. Just as many modern "love" stories go, first we hung out, eventually started dating kinda, we broke up a few times, soon our individual paths led us to similar places and now we're married.
Marriage isn't easy, but thus far it hasn't been as catastrophic as I expected. It's only been a few months, and since we already own a house, I know eventually "when are you planning on kids?" will slap me in the face at every family gathering, work party and other various social outings. A simple internet search gave me these good response ideas:
"When the time is right for us."
"If we ever have a kid, we are going to name it Houdini. If it gets past the pill and the condom it
will have to be an escape artist."
"Well, it typically takes about 9 months after conception. As a person who has children, I would
have figured you would know that."
"I detest all children."
All joking aside, the real answer burning inside of me is always, "I DONT KNOW!!!!" And it's not only meant that I don't know WHEN, but also that I don't know IF we are going to have children. As I have found the past few months, that isn't something think about as a christian, because ALL married christians are supposed to have children...it's mandated by God, right?
For whatever reason (more and more I'm starting to think it came straight from God) I had the urge yesterday to do some searching for varying opinions on the subject. I came across some interesting articles. Namely against the "childless by choice christian" here:
http://www.albertmohler.com/commentary_read.php?cdate=2004-06-28
And for them here:
http://www.intervarsity.org/gfm/well/resource/children-choice
I don't totally buy into the notion that every married couple has to fully accept having children as an inherent blessing that comes with choosing to be married and sexually active. Even the Albert Mohler article, which vehemenently argues that marriage = children, agrees that couples have the freedom of choice as to when and how many when it comes to procreation. That being said, I find it hard to turn around and argue that you don't have the option to not pop out at least one to fulfill your "duty."
After reading the articles, praying, talking with my husband and meditating, I believe the gray area is far too thick to be saying "truth is truth." Maybe certain married couples who have strong relationships with eachother and with God just aren't called to have children. Maybe God is going to use those couples to reach the other BILLIONS of people in the world who don't yet know Him.
To be clear, I'm not talking about not having children for financial or lifestyle reasons, or even in instances of health or the possibility of genetic disease. I am merely looking at the possibility that maybe God wants some couples to not have children for a different reason. It may not be so in North America and parts of Europe, but other places are so overpopulated that maybe God wants some of us, at his will and not ours, to skip focusing on our 2.5 kids and instead work towards nuturing and caring for them through Him.
My husband and I don't know if we will have kids. I can't lie, the thought of being a mother scares the crap out me. But one thing we know for sure is that as christians we have to be open and willing to live with either scenario, with children or without children, to be able to truly know what God has in store for us.
that girl. that girl.
this was a girl whose shoulders were shaped to carry her child. whose skin was the texture to sooth. whose voice was the tone and pitch of comfort. this was a girl who was a mother. this girl was a girl i had never seen before. i had no idea where she came from. but there was no mistaking that this girl was me.
since then, that girl has seen frustrations and guilt beyond what she'd ever imagined.
she is the mother of a gorgeous baby boy. he is a wonderful baby, but still a baby. there are nights, infrequent (thank god) as they are, that he cries and cries and cries and this girl is lost on what to do. there are times when a feeding and a burp and a diaper change and rocking and singing and lights and colors and toys and massages and less clothes and more clothes and lights off and lights on provide no consolation. when this girl has no idea what else to try, but can't bear the sound of her baby's cries. nights when it gets to be too much, but her instincts tell her to absolutely not let him cry it out because she knows she will never abandon her child when he is suffering, but in the same beat of her heart she feels utterly helpless. what might happen is that as she holds her baby and watches him scream, and scream, and scream... she almost instinctually shakes her arms in frustration, not thinking about the fact that she is still holding said son.
yes, she is that girl. the girl who shook her baby.
she is a girl who is not terribly fond of doctors or hospitals and the like. she probably wouldn't vaccinate were she not required to work so closely with the medical community. she is that girl who takes her son in for his shots and stands over the nurse as she draws her needle, who cringes in horror when they ever so not-gently stab her son in the leg and he breaks out in the most heartbreaking of screams, and as real tears run down his cheeks, she cannot keep them from also running down hers. she cannot not cry when her baby cries.
yes, she is that girl. the annoyingly empathetic hovering mother.
she is a girl who is not yet adjusted to the extreme life changes that come with an infant. she is that girl who goes to lunch with you and rambles on and on and on until your burrito is gone and she hasn't even started in on hers because it's been she-doesn't-know-how-long since she had anyone to talk to.
yes, she is that girl. the lonely talkaholic.
she is a girl who quit her job, enrolled in school, found out she was pregnant, unenrolled, got very very sick, humbled herself and went back to her parents' house for the sake of her health, got sick of her hometown, came to live where the father of her child lives, and had her child, only to realize that she really now lives where the un-father of her child lives because she was not in fact correct about who that might be. and who trekked from oklahoma city to philadelphia to nevada to nashville in the execution of the aforementioned.
yes, she is that girl. the i-don't-know-who-my-baby-daddy-is (wow-what-a-slut) (no-i-am-not-proud-of-this) girl. and she is all over the place.
perhaps most significantly, she is a girl who has seen more tears in the past two months than her first 24 years of life. because she is a girl with ssa/ssb antibodies. she is a girl whose body attacked her own child in the place that is supposed to be safest. (that would be the womb.) whose son developed heart block as a result of said complication in pregnancy. he will never play contact or professional sports, will eventually need a pacemaker, and will live with this condition for the rest of his life. because of her.
that girl is a girl who was full of doubt and self-dislike (i can't really say hatred, though that's how the phrase goes.) who never had the strength to say no even with such a strong will to fight. that girl is a girl i don't know anymore. because this girl is a girl who has finally found love, and that love has healed her. she might live in the hood of nashville in a crappy rundown studio apartment with $5 to her name and a part-time, poorly-paying job as a barista. she might have no idea what she is doing or where she is going or what tomorrow might bring. she might have a little extra around the waistline, a handful of stretch marks, a huge scar across her abdomen, cellulite, and that joyous underarm flap that likes to jiggle when she waves. she might be flawed and imperfect and have plenty to overcome and a lot of growing up to do. but this girl is a girl who, antibodies or no, is comfortable in her own skin for the first time in her life. this girl is a girl who loves herself not despite the fact that she is human, but because she is human. this girl is a girl who is whole.
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Symbolism Symbolism
Have you ever stopped to think of all the symbolism around us? Whether good or bad there are so many things that we understand just because of a picture. For example, if you see a huge, yellow “M” what do you think of? What about a “c” with a circle around it? Or a red octagon? A four-leaf clover? See what I mean, these are random, but you understand what they stand for, right?
So let's dig a little deeper. What about a burning cross? The Confederate flag? A Swatstika? A peace fish? A peace fish with legs and a tail? The Star of David? A peace sign? These all symbolize a time in history, no matter how people feel about it, it stirs emotion. Something inside us feels something when we see these things because we know the world was changed.
You're probably wondering where I'm going with this and here it is: What do you think will symbolize our generation? An ipod? Proposition 8? A pink ribbon? I'm interested to see what other women feel symbolizes this crazy time in our history or what they hope will. What are we going to leave our children as a picture of who we are and what we've done? What do we want future generations to remember about us?
we are the taboo webcam girl we are the taboo webcam girl
writer, brett mccracken, and blogger, claire aufhammer, have stirred my thoughts lately in regards to social networking...
then a few years later, when i lived in florida i was 13/14. my interest in the internet expanded. i learned how to download music and fonts. i even made a "geocities" website! the main websites i followed were fansites of Hanson....
but what i distinctly remember now, thinking about our social networking obsession lately, is seeing some girl online who showcased her everyday life happenings on a webcam for all to see. that was 1998. it was intriguing to me because it was so strange to be sooo personal. then, it was new and taboo.
we were mysterious people back then. no one had cell-phones and no digital cameras. we biked to friends' homes... we wrote snail mail. you remember. our lives were pretty private. not many of us were keen on email yet either. it would be nearly 10 years before myspace and facebook were invented after my first time on the internet. things have definitely changed.
i am not necessarily complaining because i really enjoy seeing photos + updates from friends. because i moved around alot + have met so many people across the globe, facebook is my friend! but it is very peculiar for me to remember how it USED to be.... and to realize many of us, myself included, are that one "taboo" girl now. with blogs, webcams, twitter, facebook, chat.. etc. taboo has become the norm. opening up our every little nuance of ourselves is commonplace. and i am not sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing. i am not sure it is fully either. it's a form of community, yes, and communication. i have developed friendships online. i met my husband online, for goodness sake!
but maybe, just maybe, we HAVE let some of our mystery go. while it's fun to peak into each others' lives, i still want to hold on to the value good, old-fashioned one-on-one time with people. getting to know you through experience, not just photos + updates.
i am not saying i want to delete my blog + facebook account... not even close, because i love to use these platforms to share articles, news, videos, movements, needs, etc.. from around the world, + i know relatives + far-away friends who keep up with me to see how noah + i are.... but i will try to keep in mind the balance of my ONLINE / OFFLINE time if that makes any sense... + remember to spend more afternoons over coffee with a friends instead of thrifting through facebook photos... we'll see how that goes.
the death of facebook (brett)
so i got to thinking...
when i was 11, i wrote my first email to my best friend, christie searle. i was young + living on the island of guam. the first item i "googled" was "Boyz II Men". that was about the extent of my time on the internet. i played outside all day long. went to the beach, caught lizards, made up dance routines, played on sports teams, and rode my bike around.
their words:
our addictions to facebook (claire)
anyone else tired of the octup anyone else tired of the octuplets?
Just when I thought the super drama surrounding the mom-who-had-more-kids-than-everyone-knows-she-should-have was fizzling away I saw yet another disturbing piece of media on the television this morning. Her and her mother sitting on a couch arguing. Wow. Why is that remotely newsworthy or of any value for that matter?
Before I go on, I think I should point out a few points regarding this whole scenerario that are blatantly obvious:
Beyond all this (and I know not everyone agrees with the above points) I think we need to look at our society, and I mean really look at it, and decide if we should really be as surprised and horrified about this situation as we love to be.
This is not the first instance of a woman having children without a second glance as to how she will support them. We basically live in a welfare state and this one woman, no matter how big of a media magnet she may be, is not even close to being the root cause. I personally have a hard time believing that if the country wasn't in the financial state that it is in, this story would even have gotten as big as it has, going so far as to broadcast family banter and use the mother of multiples as a scapegoat for how careless we all have become with our assets.
I also find how quick we are to judge this woman's choices a little hypocritical. In a country where we pushed and shoved to get a woman complete and utter control over her body in any situation and circumstance to the point that federal dollars can help pay for whatever choice she decides to make, how can we then deny another woman these same rights, just because we realize how costly those choices can be? Afterall, it is her body and we do not legislate morality.
Danger! Book Hazard Ahead Danger! Book Hazard Ahead
I was picking up some books for an upcoming Bible study and decided to browse (no harm in shopping in God's bookstore, right? It's similar to tithing.) As I was moving around the store, I noticed this sign wedged under a book.
As the assistant manager wandered over (I'm sure I had been sighted on the security camera snapping photos of copyrighted materials) I asked him what he thought. He stated he didn't quite understand it, but he does what he's told. I asked him what other books were included and he said "Normally The Shack would have the sign, but it's on sale on the front, so we pulled its sign."
Philippians 1:9-10 "And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ,..."
Roommate woes Roommate woes
Boy oh boy, have I had some crazy roommates.
There was my summer roommate in intern housing in Manhattan who would go out every weekend night (ok, some weekday nights too), get rip-roaring drunk and stagger home at an ungodly hour. The better weekends, I would wake up on Saturday morning to find her sprawled out on the floor of our room, soon to wake up to a throbbing hangover. On one of the worst weekends, I woke up around 3 am to discover she had brought home a reggae singer from some nightclub and was (noisily) getting down to business with him mere feet away from my bed.
In college, I shared an apartment with 5 other girls, 2 of whom were atheists, the rest of whom (including me) were on leadership with our evangelical campus ministry. Our apartment life quickly devolved into a who's-more-pious contest. In that sneaky, silent way at which girls excel, we would wake up early to be seen studying the Bible at the kitchen table, see who could host the most small groups in our respective rooms, and proudly chastise the others for watching TV shows that were too risque.
Post-college, my roommate issues have stubbornly stemmed from the same problem: the roommate whose boyfriend all but moves in, sometimes even spending the night a lot, sometimes just hanging around 24/7, but always making me feel like I have a third roommate who is sucking up all the resources and cleanliness without paying a nickel towards the rent.
Of course, this is 100% my fault. I am always too hesitant to broach the issue with my roommate, worrying that she will first get mad at me, then tell her boyfriend that he has to curtail his visits, with the result that they will both be mad at me. Our friendship will be forever tainted.
But that should be fine. I AM paying half of the rent, after all. I deserve to feel comfortable in my own apartment and not worry about running to the bathroom in my bra in the morning because I might run into HIM. Especially when both roommates are Christians; we should be able to bring up these kinds of moral issues in a nonjudgmental but firm manner.
So why am I still here in this situation, with my current roommate's fiance slowly taking over our place with his enormous shoes and toilet-seat-leaving-up ways? Does anybody else have to deal with this??
May I Have Some Community With May I Have Some Community With My Egg Nog?
As the Christmas season washes upon us, waves of shiny green and red, gingerbread and warm fires, submerge us. Stores sell silk dresses, so pretty I have found myself tempted to plan a fancy party just so I can wear one! If we turn down the 32nd version of Baby It’s Cold Outside, we will hear a quieter chorus. This voice calls us back to the birth of a baby in a barn and a faithful teenage girl. Clearly, this Christmas season we have entered seems to split us into two groups: those who delight in the commercialism and social norms of the season (such as gift-buying, party-hosting, and card-sending) and others who feel that such activities detract from the meaning of the season, and ultimately, the heart of God.
Though some of the fanfare of the season is noisy and loud (and even profane), we who respond to its siren cry are drawn to it for a reason, signaling something more profound than the mere success of evil genius advertisers. Engaging the man-made season may seem shallow and misguided. It may distract us and leave us exhausted, but I believe we are seeking something deeper and more meaningful in the process.
As I hear the fringe pleading, a little bit louder this year, that we all just stop with the list-making and the party-going and the card-sending and focus on knowing God and loving our neighbor, I am beginning to wonder if by engaging these "distractions", we are trying to do just that.
I can see now that what people are really seeking during this season as they rush around buying gifts, attending parties, and spending the obligatory morning at the local soup kitchen is expressing love to others, participating in community, and serving the poor. Throughout the year, it can be difficult to find the context in which to pursue these things. Our schedules limit us, our wounds entangle us, and our selfishness isolates us.
Our culture is limiting as well. We who were born after the time of community barn raisings have become so self-sufficient that we no longer know how to love our neighbors; mostly because we have never met them. Dropping by a plate of cookies to unknown neighbors in the middle of July would make us feel weird. But anytime after Thanksgiving and before January first, we have the armor of “good tidings and cheer” to buffer all discomfort. But these are the things that God so desperately longs to see us do year round. And we long to do them year round, because regardless of where we think they come from, we have a set of internal desires (though sometimes quite faint) that God infused in us upon our creation.
People gladly pursue their God-given desires when they see the opportunity. For example, in March of 2003, my home of Denver, CO experienced a snow that kept the city stranded inside for three days. The day after the snow stopped, I noticed something different at my neighborhood library. It was noisy. People were smiling. And TALKING to one another – to strangers! People swapped stories about how much snow we got and what they did while trapped inside. It was something that, though unusual, seemed to come so easy and natural. By God’s design, we long to connect with each other. Sometimes, we just need a reason.
It is with this perspective, that I believe our culture has created noisy celebration around Christmas – that we might have a reason to connect with our community - and to pursue a Savior we long to know, but whom we don’t know how to engage. It is my hope that in the year to come, we will explore ways to engage the heart of Christmas on a daily basis. Perhaps next December we find that we have a slower, quieter approach to the month, because we sought the heart of Christmas all year.
WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR?
Parties:
We are desperate to connect with others. The way we wait for those invites to roll in, need the season to throw a party, and do our best to attend them all, begs the question, do we really know how to engage community on our own? Let’s practice daily building the kinds of relationships we long for.
Gift Giving:
Our loved ones want to know that we care about them, and most of us want to express our care. But what are we doing to show we care year round? And if we don’t actually care, our energy would be better spent mending the relationships and creating an actual depth of love, rather than the illusion of love through the gifting of an electric razor or tea cozy.
General Merriment:
We go crazy over lights and music and festive clothes. We want a sense of celebration and possibility that is infused into the rest of the year by having spontaneous family dance parties after dinner, using the good china on a Tuesday, and creating a sense of magic for a stranger by surprising them with acts of unbelievable kindness and grace.
Creating a Mood:
The desire to decorate our homes for the holidays and make intricate cards is a reflection of our inclination to create. As He created us, so too do we have an inherent drive to create. What can we give up in this New Year to make time in our lives to create on a regular basis?
Christmas Music:
The language in these traditional holiday tunes highlights some of our longings for the things of God. Can you imagine how our day-to-day experience would change if we meditated on words like “joy”, “cheer”, and “comfort” year round?
Christmas pandemonium does not have to be the devil’s playground if we can learn to appreciate it for what it really is – a reflection that our deepest needs and longings are unquenched. This season can serve us like pain we experience when we accidentally touch a hot burner on the stove – it does not feel good, but without the pain, we would not know to move our hand away from the hot coil to safety. In this way, let us recognize that the extreme engagement we observe in this season is simply the heart’s cry to live out Christmas year round.
God's not looking for a lap da God's not looking for a lap dance
I think in our relationship with God, we sometimes approach him like a lap dancer.
We dress the part, revealing only what we think He wants to see, and we get so close that it looks like intimacy, but it's not. It's a business transaction. We perform the dance and hope it gets us a few bills along with the feeling that we played our part well. We know that there are rules to this dance, and they're pretty simple. The first rule is this- the dancer is in control, we decide what to wear, what to reveal, how close to get, and what we want out of the deal. We also know that if we're ever touched during this performance, we can bring the whole thing to a screeching halt, and retreat to the safety of our own free will. Here's the thing, God doesn't want your lap dance. He doesn't want to throw you a few bills, while you keep an artificially close but emotionally safe distance. He wants to love us, and touch us in way that can't be done while we're still in control.
The bible gives us many descriptions of our relationship with God. We are called his creations, his children, his brethren, his sheep, but I think in terms of real intimacy we should look at he fact that he calls us His bride. As his bride he has so much more for us than some crumpled up twenties, His entire kingdom is available to us, just for the asking. We need to stop dancing in the darkness. We need to come to him in the light of day, and we must be willing to surrender our pride and stand emotionally naked before him.
Naked can be scary, it comes with scars, imperfections, too much flesh, or not enough.
Naked can be ugly, but the beauty comes in the act of trusting God to love us through our dirt, our shame, our pride, and our sin.
In that bare and fearless trust we will find true intimacy with our God, an intimacy described in the Song of Solomon. The love described in this book of the bible is one of total abandon, a love that will make you blush. It describes in detail the feelings of desire between two lovers, their desire to know each other in such a way that they become as one. It is a love that, like a blazing fire, can't be controlled. It's both powerful and destructively beautiful. This is the relationship that our God longs to have with us: a blazing fire that can't be quenched or washed away. In truth, this is the relationship that we long to have with Him.
As His bride, we are entitled to nothing less.
Song of Solomon 8: 6
Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot wash it away.
If one were to give
all the wealth of his house for love,
it would be utterly scorned.